So things are not looking any better yet.

But I shan't harp on it too long. We should all find things to do.

My late grandmother died in 1994, just over 10 years ago. Time has healed most of us who got affected, and I don't really think of her since.

It's strange how some memories can slither back at times when you don't expect them to. After my prayers last night, I was getting ready for bed, when all of sudden, - really in flash, I caught a glimpse of her in my head. And that sting I felt in my chest was too real to ignore, and I realised how much I truly missed her.

All the first 13 years of my life, we share the same bed. Sometimes at night, she will ask if I could scratch her back to sleep, and she would do just the same for me. I was spoilt rotten, having her making my breakfast everyday, spoon-feeding me for my meals, even putting on my socks, and tying my shoelaces for me. I never once had to worry if my uniforms were cleaned and ironed. Even till I was 13.

I wondered how things would have been if she was still here. Life wouldn't be perfect, but it will be close to that. No one argued because she was around. Everyone loved each other because she was around.

She was unreserved with kisses and hugs, even with the older ones. At my age back then, she would call sometimes call out for us siblings to sit on her lap while she squeezed and hugged you like a little child, calling us her 'overgrown grandkids'.

At times when she was asleep at night, I would observe her pale, wrinkled skin; veins protruding, and I would sometimes check to see if she was still breathing. I will always check for signs that she was still there.

But she stopped breathing one night, in the middle of her prayers.

Right after her death, I didn't sleep in my room for months. To make it all worse, my parents and sister had to leave for a month for a business trip to the States and Japan, a week after the funeral. My brother and I were left trying to do things by ourselves for the first time then.

I dreamt of her the first time about six months after her death. She was wearing her navy blue top with white flowers, and when I saw her, I hugged her but there were no tears. I remembered speaking to her, asking her where does she stay now. And in her own words, she said to me in Malay, "Well, the place is huge, and it has very bright lights. Its very beautiful."

Somehow, that made me feel better.

And the other was one was much later. I dreamt she was sitting at one end of a bed, and I was on the floor crying and saying that I have been looking for her all the while. I told her I wanted her back, and all she did was looked at me helpfully and shook her head slowly.

And last night, I cried fierce tears over her, and in my moment of uncontrollable emotions, I almost felt like wanting to rummage through all her packed wardrobe up the store, and put them all back in her cupboard where they once belonged.

But I guess it struck me later that no matter how much of her things I'll try to restore, there is no way I can ever get her to sleep by my side once more.